Telling Each Other the Truth by William Backus

Author:William Backus [Backus, William]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-58558-884-8
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2012-10-20T00:00:00+00:00

1 Smith, Manuel J., Ph.D., When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York, Bantam Books, 1975.

CHAPTER 7

Dealing with Critical People[1]

Her psychological test scores were normal. What could she be doing in a clinic for troubled people? I always study test results carefully before my first visit with a new patient, but in a few cases the person seeking help has no clinically significant psychological problems. In the case of Jenny, the problem was a critical spouse.

“I know you could help us if only Carl would come in with me,” she began, looking me straight in the eye, “but he refuses to get help. He says he has no problems, and that if there’s a problem, it’s me.”

Jenny was an attractive, slim, neatly dressed woman whose appearance concealed her forty-four years. Her emotions were under control. She did not appear depressed or nervous, and her thought processes were intact.

“What do you want from me?” I asked her. Clearly she did not, like some less well-adjusted persons, expect that I could work some sort of marvelous change in her husband at her request.

“I was hoping you could help me learn how to handle Carl’s criticisms. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’m getting to the point where I have to try something new. What I’ve done all these years hasn’t worked.” Jenny smiled slightly and looked down at her hands, presumably recalling her futile attempts to turn off her husband’s put-downs. Our session continued.

Backus: What have you tried so far, Jenny?

Jenny: Well, at first I tried to handle his critical comments by showing him how unreasonable he was acting. You know, he would criticize the food or some other thing I’d done.

Backus: For example?

Jenny: Let me see—well, for example, one of his perennial themes is the way I spend money. This has been a bone of contention for years. When I come home after doing the grocery shopping, if he’s home, he will watch me put things in the refrigerator and say, “What’d you buy this for? We don’t need it.” I explain why I bought whatever it is and why I thought we needed it. But it doesn’t help.

Backus: How do you mean that? What happens?

Jenny: Well, he almost never accepts my explanation, but instead he’ll argue that we don’t need whatever it is, and that I’m spending all his money and driving him to the poor house. I argue my side of it, and we end up angry at each other after nearly every trip to the store.

Backus: So defending your purchases doesn’t help?

Jenny: Not a bit. It just makes matters worse. I don’t know what to do. Then our prayer group started studying the role of women, and I got the idea that I would just be silent and try to submit. If Carl objected to something, I wouldn’t do it. I even took things back to the store if he complained about them.

Backus: Did Carl stop criticizing then?

Jenny: No way! It just got worse. He seemed to get even more critical.

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